How do I Conquer Loneliness and Loss?

It’s a fact, that as we grow older many of us must deal with the death, or departure of a spouse or another loved one. We are often faced with a life altering void we call loneliness.  After the numbness wears off; we find ourselves asking the question:  How do I conquer this loneliness and loss I am feeling?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a grieving process that everyone who has suffered this kind of loss must go through.  And we all will travel through it in our own unique way, and at our own unique pace.

 

Here is a piece of poetry/prose that I wrote the subject.

 

Without You

 

I sit alone with four walls closing in;

And silence so loud I can almost hear it.

The absence of voices and laughter;

Of discussions, disagreements and reconciliation.

 

Now there’s only me, talking to myself;

Trying to make sense of senselessness.

Wondering what went wrong

How can it be, that you’re gone?

 

Gone. What a lonely word!

Full of emptiness, regret and solitude.

And an aching longing that won’t subside

But winds itself, like a vine, through each minute of my life.

 

Why did you take you take my joy with you;

And let your memory here to torment me?

Stirring up a longing for things that are past,

And never will be again as they were?

 

Today has become something to endure.

Tomorrow looms over me like a shadow.

Yesterday is gone; yet remains in my mind;

Like an ink stain that won’t wash away.

 

Still I stand; I am still here.

You didn’t take all of me with you.

And something in me won’t let go of hope,

For a better day, some tomorrow, without you.

 

 

By Jean Brickley      June 16, 2017

 

 

There are stages we all go through in the grieving process. We may go through them in a different order or with different timing; but the stages are experienced by all.

 

In the book On Grief and Grieving, author, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, MD and David Kessler, describes five stages of grief as follows.

 

  1.  Denial

  2.  Anger

  3.  Bargaining

  4.  Depression

  5.  Acceptance

 

To read in more depth, you may purchase this book at Amazon. Just click on the link below.

 

It may help us to realize we aren’t the only ones dealing with loneliness and grief. Grief is experienced differently; but there are things that all grieving people have in common.

 

The lonely, or grieving person may get stuck for a while in one stage or another.  Or the order may be switched around in some people.  Or we may move in and out of the different phases.  Don’t be disappointed if you seem to go backward sometimes.

 

 

 

Let me recall my steps through my grief after the death of my father.  Perhaps reviewing this journey will help someone who is going through their own through death or divorce. His death came as a shock to me; because he was doing so well, even the day before he got sick and died.

 

I experienced the death of my mother first; but it was somewhat different, because she had gone so far down physically and mentally; that it seemed almost like a blessing to not have her suffer any more.  In spite of that fact; I still have had to walk through the different stages of grief, and in some ways I am still on a healing journey from the loss of both parents.

 

 

What I felt after my dad’s death.

 

I remember feeling numb, but yet so much pain; and I was in disbelief. I had to take care of things like the coroner, funeral arrangements, etc.  I went through all that in a daze. The numb feeling only lasted only a few days for me.  As I began to accept reality, it was replaced by an empty ache.

 

I suppose I felt some anger; but it was mostly a lot of “What if” questions. What if I would have taken him to the hospital sooner. What if the doctors would have handled it differently?  Did I make the right decisions for his care on that fateful day?

 

 

Perhaps I went from the denial or numb stage, through a stage of struggling to accept this as God’s will and straight to the questioning phase.

 

I think I would go in an out of the different phases according to how I was feeling that day.  I would think I was done crying, until something would remind me of him, and bring me back to tears.

 

 

My attention was drawn away from my grief, somewhat, while going through their belongings to get prepare for an auction.  This was both difficult and therapeutic.  I went through the gamut of emotions during this time.  And the day of the auction was heart wrenching.  It felt like strangers were coming in, buying and carrying off pieces of my parent’s life.

 

 

Next came the depressed stage.  The stage where I had to admit to myself that he really was gone.  Both of my parents were dead.  This fact was compounded by the fact that I was the main caretaker, and had been devoting a large part of my life to that purpose.

 

 

 

Their death left me with a void, where that purpose had been.  I am not one to get knocked down and just lay there.  I realized pretty quickly that I would have to find a new purpose to fill that void. 

 

 

I thought of taking a part time job; but I didn’t really like the thought of fighting traffic and joining the rat race again.  That’s when I stumbled across an internet affiliate marketing training program that you could start for free.  It was called, Wealthy Affiliate.

 

Wealthy Affiliate

 

If I joined with a free starter membership, I would also get seven days of free lessons; and two free websites.  I was impressed that they didn’t ask for money upfront.

 

Still, I didn’t join on a whim.  I researched to see if it was a scam.  To my amazement; the majority of reviews were overwhelmingly positive. They didn’t promise a “get rich quick” formula.  Right up front they said internet affiliate marketing would take hard work and time.  I needed something to fill my “loss of purpose” void and give me a new purpose; so I joined.

 

 

It was just what I needed.  I was kept busy, learning new things, and using my creativity.  I enjoyed making new friends in the community.  The amazing part was, my new friends were from many different countries and ethnic backgrounds.  It was interesting and fun to read the blogs other members wrote, and comment on them.  I loved writing blogs on the WA site, and getting positive feedback from other members.

 

 

If you have an interest in affiliate marketing; you can find out if it is something you would like without paying any money upfront.  Just click on the link below to check it out.

 

 

 

Joining WA helped me get through the depressive phase.  Time has helped with the acceptance phase. I think I am now in a healing phase.

 

If I were to add any phase to the wonderful list found in the book, On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, MD and David Kessler; it would be the “healing phase”.  When acceptance takes place, we are then able to start healing.

 

 

Below are a few points of my own that may help you move through the different stages of grief smoothly.

 

  • Give yourself some adjustment time at the beginning.  If you need extra sleep, take it.

 

  • Be kind to yourself.  “What ifs” will plague you; but realize that you did the best you could.

 

 

  • Be forgiving toward others.  Friends don’t always know what to say.  They say the wrong things and can hurt us.  But being angry and unforgiving will not help.  Usually the offenders meant well.

 

 

  • Don’t allow yourself to remain isolated and alone for extended periods.

 

  • It may take every ounce of energy you have to remain in contact with friends, or go out to any event, or even to attend church.  But it is important not to isolate yourself.

 

 

  • Reach out to other people with a helping hand.  If you are helping others; your own pain will be relieved while you are caring for someone else.  There is no better remedy for loneliness.  And you will receive God’s blessings for helping others.

 

  • If you seem to be “stuck” in some phase (for instance, depression), check to see if there is a grief support group in your area that you could join; or talk to your pastor, or a trusted friend.

 

  • Don’t be afraid to ask for prayer, or pray for yourself.  God is always listening and He understands our tears.

 

 

 

  • Don’t let anyone to tell you how you are supposed to feel.  You feel the way you feel.  And it is important to allow yourself to feel, and begin to work through your feelings, so you can heal.

 

  • When you have worked through some of the phases; you will find it comforting to remember the good things about your loved one; even if it makes you cry.

 

 

 

  • Don’t be afraid to talk about the person you lost, especially to people who knew them well and loved them too.

 

  • Don’t hold your feelings in and act strong.  Not allowing yourself to cry, can prolong the grief process.  Just allow yourself to feel what you feel, when you feel it.

 

  • Find an interest.  Unwrap your creative self.  This is a good time to try a new craft, write a poem, learn to play a musical instrument, or take up painting, etc.

 

 

 

  • Allow God to comfort and heal you.  God sent the Holy Spirit to live inside us to comfort, guide and teach.

 

  • Count your blessings and cultivate positive thinking.

 

  • I have found it helpful to believe that my parents have gone on to Heaven, and are in a better place, and not suffering anymore.  I also find comfort in the fact that I will see them again one day.  We will be reunited in a land where there will be no more tears.

 

 

If you are grieving the loss of a loved one right now, please know that you have my sympathy.  If you need prayer, I will be glad to pray for you, or others in your family.

 

I hope that you have found something of comfort in this post.  Please use what you can and disregard the rest.  Everyone grieves differently. You must find your own path and walk in it.

 

Please feel free to leave a comment in the comment section below.  Your thoughts are important to me and I will answer all comments as soon as possible.

 

Thank you for stopping by.  Come back again soon.  I love company!

 

 

At your service,

Jeannie

 

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5 thoughts on “How do I Conquer Loneliness and Loss?

  1. Hi Jeannie,

    Thanks for sharing your very interesting blog and the articles you have posted. Finding an occupation to keep your mind busy after the loss of a loved one, or a divorce/separation is the best and probably the only therapy. Remain to find something to occupy our thoughts deeply enough to overcome our sorrow, anger and stress. A job, yes, but perhaps not a 9 to 5 where you need to face over sympathizing colleagues, so not so good, but yes, I agree with you, an online program that will keep your mind busy enough, while doing something you really love doing.

    I see that you are suggesting a program called Wealthy Affiliate, for many good reasons, but I wonder if it is really as free as they claim it to be. Any confirmation on that?

    Thanks for your response,

    John

  2. Hi Jeannie,

    Thanks for sharing your very interesting blog and the articles you have posted. Finding an occupation to keep your mind busy after the loss of a loved one, or a divorce/separation is the best and probably the only therapy. Remain to find something to occupy our thoughts deeply enough to overcome our sorrow, anger and stress. A job, yes, but perhaps not a 9 to 5 where you need to face over sympathizing colleagues, so not so good, but yes, I agree with you, an online program that will keep your mind busy enough, while doing something you really love doing.

    I see that you are suggesting a program called Wealthy Affiliate, for many good reasons, but I wonder if it is really as free as they claim it to be. Any confirmation on that?

    Thanks for your response,

    John

    • Hi John.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Yes. Wealthy Affiliate is definitely free to start. They don’t even ask for your credit card. If you decide you don’t want to continue, you still had your free starter membership, have had your free seven days of lessons, and learned how to build a website with WordPress. You can quit there if you want to. If you want to know more; you will be able to pay for the first month’s premium membership for less than $20. Then you have another whole month to decide if this is for you. You may leave at that point and owe nothing more. If you decide you want to stay; you can opt to pay monthly at $49 a month, or go yearly and save.

      Here is a breakdown:

      I trust this has answered your question satisfactorily.

      I hope you come back again soon. I love company.

      Jeannie

  3. Death they say is the only certainty in life it is said. We must all leave this earth. But I’m a great believer that we will all meet again. That we are all spirits having a human experience. That our loved ones have gone to a better place where they are extremely happy and want us to be too.
    Death is almost like divorce in a way. One experiences many of the same emotions. And like divorce, one needs to realise that our loved one or friend has now gone and that those of us who are left have to simply get on with it.
    It isn’t easy hey, Jean, I’ve lost my folks too. Death is always sad for those who remain behind to await the time when we will be called. They would want us to get on with it though !
    So forwards and upwards we go, until we all meet again.
    A lovely website which I enjoyed reading very much.

    • Hi Roy.

      Yes, we must all die. So many people fear it; but if we are right (and I believe we are) it is like a new birth.  We will have new bodies that will no longer get sick and die.  We will go to a better place where there will be no more pain and no more tears.  Wow!

      Everything on this earth is temporary.  There is a beginning, a middle and an end.  Death is the only thing that takes us on, past the end to a new beginning and to an eternal state of being.  Our body (shell) may go in to a grave to rot; but our spirit goes onward and upward to be renewed.

      Death and divorce have a lot in common.  The difference being that with death, there is no more contact with the person we have lost; but with divorce the person is still alive and out there, and we may have contact with them.  If we still love them; it can be difficult to let go and move on.  But you are right.  If it is over; we must just get on with it.

      Thank you for your kind comment.  Come back again soon.  I love company!

      Jeannie

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